Attack of the Bad Dialogue
by ThePet
Summary: Satirical set of AOTC sketches. Heavy sarcasm warning. Produced by my twisted sense of humour. If you like that sort of thing, R+R! New chap
1. Attack of the Shit Dialogue

A/N A satirical parody in the style of 'Frodo Baggins: Lord of His Own Ring'. Well sort of. I don't normally write in this fandom, but I saw the film and…well…please bear with me! This *isn't* intended to actually follow the plot of any one film too closely…or at all… though it's AOTC time period.  
  
Note: No offence intended to actors/characters/George Lucas/anyone (except Jar-Jar. Screw him). Please review! Flames will be consigned to the fires of Mount Doom, where they will feel at home.  
  
Note: This is bad. Truly, really bad. Bad, bad, bad. I'm truly sorry. May the Force forgive me.  
  
Rated for language/crude insinuations.  
  
  
  
Attack of the Shit Dialogue  
  
Scrolling Caption:  
  
'A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…and at cinemas near YOU!…there were some really cool groovy dudes called Jedi. And verily they were hard bastards, and did have big f-off swords called 'lightsabres' which are available at Woolworths for less than a tenner.  
  
And verily George Lucas, known as The Lord God to a rapidly growing cult, did look upon the Jedi, his creation, and saw that they were good. He also saw the marketing potential, and lo, it was also good, and little dollar signs did appear in his eyes.  
  
Thus was created the phenomenon known as STAR WARS, better when you see it on LSD, and for many years the People did follow George Lucas and bide by his word, lo, even when his sanity was forfeit in the creation of the evil one, Jar-Jar Binks.  
  
Thus did George Lucas and his creation thrive - I beg your pardon, 'thrive, George Lucas and his creation did, hm?' - and throve to the extent that verily, a new movie was produced, and it was called 'Attack of the Clones', and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth at this, until the people did go to the local cinemas and perceived the totty on view, and verily there was then much drooling and rubbing of private parts.  
  
"Yoda is badass." The People triumphant did cry, and lo, George Lucas was much pleased, and his wallet much expanded.  
  
The saga continues…'  
  
  
  
ACT 1: In which we see a flashback to THE PHANTOM MENACE  
  
QUI-GON: (Dying) Gurgle…groan…train the boy!  
  
Close up of PANADOL…I mean ANADIN…I mean ANAKIN looking innocent and googly- eyed.  
  
OBI-WAN: Master! Noooooo! You can't die!  
  
QUI-GON: Train…the boy…teach him…to act… for Force's sake…before the next movie…(Dies)  
  
OBI-WAN: (Shaking him) Screw the boy! Where's my FIFTY QUID? Aw, damn.  
  
Later - QUI-GON is being cremated.  
  
QUI-GON: I'M NOT DEAD! I didn't disappear! I'M NOT DEAD! Get me out! Heeeelllpppp……  
  
The other JEDI are oblivious.  
  
ANAKIN: What will happen to me now?  
  
OBI-WAN: Don't worry, Anakin…I am your master now. And not in a pervy S&M way either. You *will* be an actor …ah, I mean a Jedi.  
  
ANAKIN: Wizard.  
  
  
  
Scene 2. Present-day. Jedi Council. YODA sits on his floating tea-tray. MACE WINDU broods near the window.  
  
YODA: Late, they are. Annoying, this is.  
  
WINDU: Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?  
  
YODA: Shaft, that would be.  
  
  
  
Scene 3. Weirdy-beardy OBI-WAN and grown-up ANAKIN exit an ELEVATOR at top speed and race dramatically down the corridor, followed by twelve OTHER JEDI. Finally they stop, panting for breath.  
  
OBI-WAN: Right…who farted?  
  
But before anyone can reply, PADME arrives. ANAKIN walks directly into her.  
  
ANAKIN: Oh, sorry…wooh! Mush! It's YOU! Do you remember me, Padme?  
  
She looks at him blankly.  
  
ANAKIN: It's me!  
  
PADME: Annie?  
  
ANAKIN: You remember me!  
  
PADME: But you were a cute little girl with curly hair…  
  
ANAKIN: What?  
  
OBI-WAN: Stop gawking, Anakin. Jedi do not have relationships. And besides, you're going to become evil fairly soon. And she's bound to be a corpse by the next movie. So your love is doomed. Q.E.D.  
  
ANAKIN: You're such a pessimist, master. I can dream…  
  
Sickly music plays.  
  
PADME: Wait! I do remember you…  
  
The music swells romantically. ANAKIN goes googly-eyed.  
  
PADME: You were that scruffy little sprog who kept making puppy eyes at me on that nasty dusty planet…  
  
Music stops dead. ANAKIN droops, his heart broken.  
  
ANAKIN: Right! You've rejected me, I'm going evil.  
  
OBI-WAN: (sotto) Not yet.  
  
ANAKIN: What? Why?  
  
OBI-WAN: We can spin this out for another couple of movies. Marketing, Padawan, marketing. You have much to learn. Now start pretending to be a good guy.  
  
ANAKIN: (Catching on) Yes, master. I love you, master.  
  
OBI-WAN: (Frowning) Overkill.  
  
They enter the council chambers.  
  
YODA: Late, you are.  
  
ANAKIN: Sorry.  
  
OBI-WAN: (pointing at ANAKIN) It was his fault, Master Yoda. I *told* him to use the lavatory before we left, but would be listen? (To ANAKIN) You have much to learn, my young Padawan.  
  
ANAKIN: We're five minutes into the movie and already I'm sick of you saying that.  
  
YODA: Up, you will shut. Business to attend to, we have.  
  
PADME: Hello?  
  
YODA: This bint doing here, is what? Love story, this is not. Sci-fi, this is supposed to be.  
  
OBI-WAN: If I may explain: Padme is required as a love interest because if she does not sleep with Panadol…I mean Anadin…I mean Anakin…  
  
ANAKIN: She won't get pregnant…  
  
PADME: And Luke Sykwalker will never exist…  
  
OBI-WAN: Thus, the Jedi will be doomed, and more importantly, parts four through six of the series will become obsolete, and we'll never get to meet the Ewoks.  
  
YODA: Then, up the duff, she must get.  
  
RANDOM ALIEN JEDI: Just a minute…er…how do you know all this?  
  
ALL: (Irritated) THROUGH THE FORCE!  
  
RANDOM JEDI: So…you actually know everything that's going to happen in the end, already.  
  
ALL: Yes! And so does the audience!  
  
RANDOM JEDI: So…pardon me, but…what's the point?  
  
A long, awkward silence.  
  
WINDU: (Brightly) I have a purple lightsabre!  
  
ALL EXCEPT YODA: (Falling to their knees) We are not worthy! We are not worthy!  
  
Everyone looks at YODA.  
  
YODA: Worthy, we are not!  
  
RANDOM JEDI: Sorry, I can't just let this go. If we all know what's going to happen, how can we just carry on as if we had no idea about the future?  
  
YODA: Pretend, we do. Makes life more interesting, it does.  
  
PALPATINE: For example, I am not evil…I am in fact the founder of many worthy charities and manager of a large Jedi orphanage.  
  
ANAKIN: Yes, and I'm on the side of the Light, and will settle down happily with Padme and have many beautiful children.  
  
PADME: And I'll survive the next film!  
  
OBI-WAN: And the name 'Ben' means absolutely nothing to me…  
  
C3PO: (Randomly appearing) And I am not at all confused about my sexuality. 


	2. Attack of the Big Climatic Fight Scene

A/N Next part, in no particular order…  
  
Attack of the Big Climatic Fight Scene  
  
ANAKIN, OBI-WAN and PADME are in a ship, flying low along the planet's surface. Suddenly PADME becomes a clutz and falls out.  
  
PADME: Waaaaahhhhhh!  
  
ANAKIN: Padme! I'll save you!  
  
OBI-WAN: No! You can't.  
  
ANAKIN: Why the hell not!?  
  
OBI-WAN: Because…well…(embarrassed, mumbling) There's something I've been wanting to say to you…for a very long time…you see, er, the thing is…  
  
Close shot of ANAKIN's face as he settles down for a long wait.  
  
Cut to: DOOKU's den. OBI-WAN is still trying to explain.  
  
OBI-WAN: Although the expression of physical love is considered inappropriate among Jedi…well, except for special cases, of course…  
  
ANAKIN: Like you and Master Qui-Gon.  
  
OBI-WAN: Yes, like me and Master…no! That was a dirty rumour.  
  
ANAKIN: Whatever.  
  
OBI-WAN: Anyway…where was I? Oh yes… you see, ever since I first met you….well not exactly, I mean you were nine, but anyway since you became a teenager…I've had this urge to…what I'm trying to say, Anakin, is that I…  
  
DOOKU: (Creeping up and stabbing OBI-WAN with his lightsabre; laughs evilly) Tee-hee!  
  
OBI-WAN: Awk! (Collapses)  
  
ANAKIN: Nooooo! You killed my master! *I'm* supposed to do that!  
  
ANAKIN lunges at DOOKU. DOOKU snickers and cuts off his arm. ANAKIN collapses in a useless heap.  
  
DOOKU: Tee-hee!  
  
Enter YODA, leaning on his stick.  
  
YODA: Aha, beat up the pretty boys, you did. Time to bring out the real men, it is.  
  
DOOKU: Bring it on, gremlin-granddad!!  
  
DOOKU waves his lightsabre around in a dramatic manner. Meanwhile, OBI-WAN is regaining consciousness, as is ANAKIN.  
  
OBI-WAN: Padawan…are you licking my boots?  
  
ANAKIN: I wanted to tell you about my shoe fetish, master, but it never seemed like the right time.  
  
YODA: Hard bastard, I am. Kick ass, I do.  
  
YODA does his little Kung-Fu stance, then leaps into the air and begins to jump about maniacally with his mini-lightsabre.  
  
VOICE OF YODA: Ah, this sucks. Come on, a seventy-something year old beats up on the pretty boys then gets his ass whupped by a gremlin? I can't work in these conditions. I quit.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS: Damn! (to a grip) You boy, go forth into the street and find me an actor.  
  
GRIP: (returning) Sir, all I could get was this ageing, retired ventriloquist.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS: Well, he'll have to do. Continue the scene from the noble, poignant, meaningful, not-at-all-meant-to-be-funny bit.  
  
YODA: Police, arrest this man! Got his hand up my ass, he has.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS: Oh, God.  
  
YODA: Gottle of geer, gottle of geer.  
  
YODA does a lot of psychokinetic tricks, saving the pretty boys from DOOKU. Meanwhile, DOOKU is preparing to run away. ANAKIN and OBI-WAN slowly clamber to their feet.  
  
ANAKIN: Oh, Force…he cut off my HAND! That's the hand I *wank* with!  
  
OBI-WAN: ….  
  
YODA: ….  
  
DOOKU: …  
  
AUDIENCE: …  
  
GEORGE LUCAS: ….  
  
A tumbleweed rolls slowly across the set. 


	3. Attack of the Love Scenes

A/N And some more…  
  
Attack of the Love Scene(s)  
  
Sloppy bit #1: ANAKIN and PADME sit on the sofa together in front of a roaring fire.  
  
PADME: Our love cannot be.  
  
ANAKIN: Why?  
  
PADME: Because you are Jedi.  
  
ANAKIN: So?  
  
PADME: And I'm a senator.  
  
ANAKIN: Yes?  
  
PADME: So our love cannot be.  
  
ANAKIN: Screw that, let's shag.  
  
  
  
Sloppy Bit #2. ANAKIN and PADME are alone together. The AUDIENCE immediately become aware of what is coming.  
  
AUDIENCE: Groan…not again…  
  
ANAKIN: Padme, let's shag.  
  
PADME: We cannot. Our love is doomed.  
  
ANAKIN: All the more reason to get some in while we can.  
  
PADME: But our love cannot be.  
  
ANAKIN: (Screwing up his face in that kid-having-a-tantrum way) You still haven't explained WHY.  
  
PADME: Because….because…  
  
ANAKIN: Yes!?  
  
PADME: I'm really a man.  
  
ANAKIN: Really?  
  
PADME: No.  
  
  
  
Sloppy bit #3. ANAKIN has just violently killed the scruffy things that nicked his mother.  
  
ANAKIN: They were like animals. I shagged…I mean slaughtered them like animals.  
  
PADME: Our love cannot be.  
  
ANAKIN: Oh, change the record! (pause) This is all Obi-Wan's fault.  
  
PADME: Um…sorry, I don't really see the connection.  
  
AUDIENCE: Neither do we. Accept your responsibilities, you little freak!  
  
ANAKIN: If I was all-powerful, I could've saved her…I want to be master of the universe - then I'll conquer death!  
  
LITERARY AUDIENCE MEMBER: Methinks this smacks of Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein'.  
  
THNKS-HE'S-INTELLECTUAL AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aha, I see. Anakin is the Chosen One, he who shall restore balance, conceived by the Living Force - immaculate conception. Thus he is the representation in this universe of Jesus Christ. However, he rebels, and falls into darkness, becoming an incarnation of evil, while his son, in fact, goes on to redeem the sins of the universe. Hmm. Thus, I argue that Anakin is in fact a representation not of Christ but of Satan, who fell from favour when he desired to become as powerful as God. That suggests that in reality, Anakin was cast down by the Force. Interesting.  
  
ANAKIN: Hey! Would you mind shutting up during my 'Dramatic Anger Nervous Breakdown' scene? It's the best acting I do in this movie.  
  
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Apologies.  
  
ANAKIN: Anyway, I wasn't conceived by the Living Force. My mother was shagging a tramp, she just didn't want to admit it.  
  
  
  
Sloppy bit #4: ANAKIN and PADME wait for certain death.  
  
ANAKIN: We are waiting for certain death. (Pause). Let's shag.  
  
PADME: OK.  
  
They shag, as the cart is wheeled out into the arena. They are being watched by many eyes.  
  
MANY EYES: Wow! Go on my son!  
  
MANY EYES make 'wham bam thank you ma'am' gestures.  
  
OBI-WAN: (Tied to a stake) I am filled with shame. (Shouting, to ANAKIN) I hope you remembered to use protection, my lad!  
  
ANAKIN: Screw you!  
  
PADME: He can wait his turn. 


	4. Attack of the Dramatic Speeder Scenes th...

A/N Oh, Sith.and some *more*. Note: S&M = sadomasochism.  
  
Attack of the Dramatic Speeder Scenes (or, the *real* reason why Obi-Wan hates flying)  
  
Dramatic Flying Scene #1. ANAKIN and OBI-WAN in PADME's quarters. Big flying ball thing outside window. OBI-WAN jumps through the window, glass and all, makes a grab.and MISSES.  
  
OBI-WAN: (Plummeting towards the ground) Shhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttt!  
  
ANAKIN: Ooh, that looked nasty.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS: OK, let's try that one again.  
  
OBI-WAN staggers in, covered in blood and dog shit.  
  
OBI-WAN: (Weakly) Fine.  
  
Flying ball thing, dramatic jump through window.he MISSES AGAIN.  
  
OBI-WAN: (Plummeting again) Shhhhihiiiiiiittttttt! I'll get you for this, George Lucasaaaaaaaaassssssssss.  
  
Scene #1, take 175:  
  
OBI-WAN: (Plummeting) Shhhhhiiiiiiiiiiittttttttt!  
  
Scene #1, take 250:  
  
OBI-WAN grabs the flying thing and hangs on.  
  
OBI-WAN: Shiii.hey, I did it! I'm flying!  
  
ANAKIN: Wow, cool. Now he's gone, Padme, let's shag.  
  
Ten minutes later, OBI-WAN's flying thing is shot down. He plummets, looking around for ANAKIN in the speeder.  
  
Shot of ANAKIN making out with PADME.  
  
ANAKIN: Y'know, I can't help thinking there's something I've forgotten.  
  
OBI-WAN: (Plummeting) Shhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiitttttt! I'll get you for this, Anakiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnn..  
  
Thump.  
  
  
  
Dramatic Flying Scene #2: ANAKIN and OBI-WAN in the speeder. ANAKIN suddenly jumps out.  
  
ANAKIN: (Plummeting) Wait a minute.what happened to my safety ropes!?  
  
OBI-WAN: Snicker.  
  
ANAKIN: You bastard, Kenobi! Shhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttt..  
  
Thump.  
  
Dramatic Flying Scene #3. OBI-WAN in the asteroid belt. He flies past something bearing a curious resemblance to one of cow animals ANAKIN is happily riding on a planet with PADME.  
  
OBI-WAN: Ooh, look at that! A cow-shaped asteroid! Wow!  
  
The shuttle COLLIDES with another, non-cow-shaped, asteroid.  
  
OBI-WAN: (Being blown up) Shiiiiiiiitttttttt..  
  
Splatter.  
  
ANAKIN, still riding cows and PADME, looks up thoughtfully.  
  
ANAKIN: I think I detect a disturbance in the Force.  
  
PADME: That's my corset.  
  
ANAKIN: Aha.  
  
Dramatic Flying Scene #4: (kinda) ANAKIN on his little hover-moped, holding his mother's dead body wrapped in some of that really cool bubble wrapping stuff.  
  
ANAKIN: Wonder if I can loop-the-loop on this thing?  
  
He attempts it. SHMI is thrown off.  
  
ANAKIN: Mommy! Shiiiittt!  
  
Dramatic Flying Scene #5: YODA's flying tea-tray (at the request of Ickle- Helena). YODA flies at breakneck speed through the temple on his magic tea- tray, smacking tall people on the head.  
  
YODA: Fun this is!  
  
WINDU: Er.master Yoda? I think we're supposed to be in a council session.  
  
YODA: Screw that! Wait, it can! Chilling, I am!  
  
WINDU: Um. 


End file.
